A Very Cullen Christmas
by paranoia'SPLASH
Summary: Tis the season to be jolly. Santa would do well to remember that when Emmett visits his house, along with the rest of the Cullens. "Santa? Oh, the graying guy with a potbelly?"
1. Chapter 1

"I really must apologize for Emmett's behaviour," Edward said guiltily-after all, Edward _had _been the one to point out Rudolph's nose looked like one of those light-up dolls. In his defense, Edward had no idea Emmett was going to drug Rudolph and attempt to pull the nose off.

Santa Claus sighed and stretched out one hand for the mug next to him; he rolled his eyes at Edward's pointed stare. "It's coffee, not milk. Your father put me on a diet." Edward snickered softly at that, but abruptly shut up when Santa glared at him. Having Father Christmas give you the hairy eyeball was not a pleasant experience.

A loud crash echoed from the main room, where Emmett's agitated voice was heard complaining about the lack of non-Christmassy television channels. Edward turned back to Santa and shrugged apologetically. Santa frowned, an odd expression on his face, and looked out the window before jumping up.

"For the love of milk and cookies, what has your blasted brother done now?" he groaned, stomping out the little door at the side. Edward followed him, casting another worried glance at the main room where Rosalie could be heard shrieking at Emmett to 'leave the goddamn television alone'.

Santa strode over to Comet, a rather adorable reindeer with a suspiciously sick face. Edward groaned internally and, just for the fun of it, shrieked out, "_Emmett_!"

Ah. It felt good to scream.

Edward sniffed, once, twice, three times. Then he scrunched his face in disgust and recoiled from the horrible stench emitting from Comet's anus. And, now that he thought about it, from Blixen too. Edward turned to glare at his family, who had all come out in response to his call. Emmett stared at Comet in disgust before turning to look at Santa.

"I swear, I had no idea-"

Santa sighed wearily, pulling out a vial of brown liquid from his pocket and feeding it to Comet and Blixen. "Of course you didn't, Emmett. You weren't listening when I told you the reindeers were allergic to cheese."

"Gross, Em," Jasper said, wrinkling his nose at his brother. "You fed Comet and Blixen cheese? That's disgusting."

"What kind?" Alice asked curiously.

"Alice!" everyone shouted. Alice held up her hands, shrugging sheepishly. Emmett laughed at her.

"Blue cheese."

A moment of silence, then:

"You're disgusting," Jasper said, revolted as they strode back in.

"What?" Emmett shouted after them. "What'd I say?"

**A/N: **Just a little one shot to get me through. A little early for Christmas, but I'll update it until the day itself. Happy holidays.


	2. Chapter 2

"Who's Olive?" Rosalie asked, looking at Bella sip at a mug of hot chocolate. Santa pointed at a tiny reindeer being butted by Dasher and Prancer.

"The unfortunate product of mondegreens," Santa shrugged, watching Emmett and Jasper play poker warily. "I don't understand why she refuses to leave. She's got it in her head that when I said _all of the reindeer _I meant _Olive _the reindeer. They appear a lot. Public misconception, you see."

Rosalie nodded understandingly. "What about the rest?"

"I gave them away," Santa said. "Most of them were fairly happy to leave, Dasher dislikes newcomers so. To date Olive and Rudolph's been the only two to survive Dasher's bullying. Leroy's the most memorable though."

"Leroy?" Rosalie asked.

Santa nodded sadly. "A good reindeer, he was. I never understood that John Deere tractor cap he loved so much, though." Santa grinned and wagged a fat finger at Dasher. "Dasher's picky, he is. He's stop torturing Rudolph, though, once he realized Rudolph was going to stay. Now he contents himself with Olive."

Rosalie sighed. "I wish I could send away Emmett." She looked at Santa. "Do you think I could borrow Dasher for a while?"


	3. Chapter 3

"It's Christmas!" Emmett bellowed, skipping from room to room in the Cullen household. "Christmas, Christmas, Christmas!"

Realizing nobody was paying attention to him, Emmett decided to try a different tactic. "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake! His name is Edward Cullen so be ready to be raped!"

"EMMETT!" Edward shouted. Emmett grinned widely and skipped downstairs, winking at Bella's beetroot face. As Emmett skipped to the living room he heard Edward assure Bella she wasn't going to be sexually harassed.

"Esme is da mom, Rosalie is da bomb," Emmett sang, leering at Rose, who smiled. "Alice see da future but sometimes she get it wrong!"

"HEY!"

"Jasper make you feel, Emmett made of steel," Emmett continued, flexing his arms. "Carlisle is da daddy 'cause he got da iron will!"

Carlisle poked his head out of the kitchen.

"Merry Christmas to you too, Emmett."

**A/N: **Technically, where I am it's still Christmas Eve for another 4 hours, but by the time most of you read this it'll be Christmas. So Merry Christmas to y'all, and Happy New Year.


End file.
